“Liar” Jack Cardetti, Gov. Nixon’s communications director. Just look at those beady little eyes!

10. Jack, It’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran. I love the way you’re lying about the e-coli controversy in Missouri. I’d love to get your advice on how to talk about our uranium enrichment program. Call me when you get time.

9. Hi Jack. Linda Martinez here. Listen I’ve been following this e-coli thing and how you’ve all been lying about it. Does this mean you all were lying when you suggested that I resign? I’m going to assume so and return to work on Monday. Can’t wait to see you again!

8. Jack, Rod Blagojevich. Hey Buddy, just a few tips to improve your lying. You really need to make yourself believe you didn’t learn of the dangerous test results before you said it was okay to send people into the lake. You need to sell it hard man! Take me for example, nobody thinks I tried to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat anymore!

7. Jack, it’s John Watson. I’m going to get to the point. You’re really letting us down buddy. You knew when you took this job you would be required to lie at least three times a week. Your average is about two. Do really want to be a part of the Firm? This will be noted in your personnel file unless you step it up!

6. Jack, Kevin Horrigan, Post-Dispatch. Sorry I haven’t returned your calls but I a hit a food tri-fecta. Fazzoli’s had its never-ending pasta bowl on Monday, I had 20 buy-one-get-one free coupons for the Triple Whopper at Burger King and a Twinkie truck overturned in front of my house. Listen, just e-mail me whatever you want for the editorial page and I’ll get it in for you. Lies about Medicaid, fee offices, poisonous lakes-you send it, we print it!

5. Hey Jack, it’s Jeff Mazur here. Yes that loud thud you heard was me throwing you under the bus. I know we both knew the lake was toxic at the same time but you had to take heat on this one man! If I did the unions would put me back on porta-potty duty at construction sites. That’s not the best place for an effeminate guy like me and quite frankly I’d rather swim in e-coli lake than have to clean those porta-potties after enchilada lunch specials.

4. Wuz Up MC Lyah! It’s yer boy Young Jer! Yo’ were you bein’ serious when you said I could be the next Eminem? Or was that part of your act dog? Hit me back and be real with me homey!

3. Jack, it’s Robin Carnahan. Just wanted to let you know how great of a job your doing lying about this e-coli tragedy. Mom agrees and says hello. Don’t worry about calling me back. It’s a GIRLS weekend and I can’t ­ be disturbed.

2. Hi Jack, Katie-Steele Danner here. I saw the Governor talking about drunk drivers and I was wondering if he was going to extend some kind of safety net for members of his cabinet who are also repeat offenders like me. If not, I should probably go ahead and tell you that I went out on quite a bender last night with Chuck Graham. We’re trying to keep the police report closed but you know what happened the last time Chuck did that J I’m sure you’ll come up with some whopper to cover us all. You always do and that’s why we love you!

1. Jack, It’s Governor/General/His-Royal-Highness Jay Nixon here. Were you lying to me when you said I didn’t look fat in this suit? Some guy at one of Hatfield’s fee offices said I should stand in two lines at the same time. He also asked if my rear end had it’s own zip code. Don’t jerk me around pal or you’ll be the human subject for future e-coli tests!

Related:

Missouri Record: Remember When Jack Cardetti Opposed Lying?

With Apologies to David Letterman: Top Ten Voice Mails Left on Jay Nixon’s Cell Phone

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